Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.