There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
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If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My flabber has been gasted.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Noted.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.