There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
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4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
don’t be scared
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
it be like that
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?