There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
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In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.