There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?