You Might Also Like
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Pandas 🐼🖤
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.