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kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
This is a whole mood;
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
