Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC