There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
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Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
*bites zombie*
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Morning.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”