Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal