There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
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noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Scream sneezers need love too.
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.