There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
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Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
crochet youtube is brutal
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.