there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
You Might Also Like
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.