there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
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They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.