there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
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“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
oh shit