There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
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New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?