Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train