There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
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ed has no gf cuz sheran away
cry laughing at this shit
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit