There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
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Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.