There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
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Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
📽️movie date🎞️
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY