Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied