Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?