Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.