Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

Doctors texting each other.

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.