There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
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I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
The best shot in the history of golf
Haha good job!!
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
As per my last nervous breakdown
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.