There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.