There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there