Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

Hmmmmmmm….

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

My five year plan is a meteorite