There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
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I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Good news
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.