Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra