Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I self medicate, therefore you live.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

LOL

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.