Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%