There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
You Might Also Like
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I hope they boil the right one.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now