There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
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[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
We’ve all been there
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
adam and eve had first world problems
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”