there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
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When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
hackers play passwordle
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.