there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
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Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they鈥檙e always super impressed.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn鈥檛, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Damn … History Channel 馃榾
#archaeohistories
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*