there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
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When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.