Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

is this a warning or an offer?

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground