There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I love the National Park Service.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.