There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
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Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
🐟✨ #re4
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
True
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.