There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.