There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
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Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
#growingpains
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
I get distracted pretty eas
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds