There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Got him!
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
me irl
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas