There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
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Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
relationship goals
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
there has never been a better use of this meme
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
let’s discuss
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.