There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
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My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
