There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
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Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
🥴😂
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.