There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
🤣
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.