There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
my proudest tweet
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I’m literally crying
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit