There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
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*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
If you know, you know
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Where’s my employee discount too?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows