There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
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So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.