There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
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When your man makes a valid point
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I’m having an out of money experience.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.