There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
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Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
absolutely not
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!