Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.