Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.