There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
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*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
had to make it
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too