Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.