There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
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The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
What a chick magnet..
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful