There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
“no gods no masters” = leo
I saw this ending much differently.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.