There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
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Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music