Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”