Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.