There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
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Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
The pasta is now
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no