There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
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If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh