There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
is there nothing we can trust anymore
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.