There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
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My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
A man of commitment.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.