There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
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Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
This bar smells like my childhood.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?