There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
You Might Also Like
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I don’t think my car can fly
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Stick it to the man
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.