There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
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Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
i choose….tongue
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.