Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

{First Day at FedEx}

me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away

manager: wow you’re a natural

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

Brother?

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

How high do the levels go?

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.