There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
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Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.