Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

It’s on my to-do list.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?