There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
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Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*