There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
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If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My Guy
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces